Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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