I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
