Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
