Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
