May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
