oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
