i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
