If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
