I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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