you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
