I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
