I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
