I puked a lego.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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