Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
