If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
