Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
