How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
