News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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