Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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