Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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