I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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