you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
