ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
