So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
