so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
