I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
