when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
