yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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