God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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