Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
