watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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