1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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