I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
