Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
