I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
