true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The struggles of a small town man whore
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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