I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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