I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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