Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
