She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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