why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
