She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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