Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
now i know why i became what i already was.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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