You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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