There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
