In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
