If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
