Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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