I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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