I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
