So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
